In Memorium

 

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul."

Memorial Day

Let the memorial day festivities begin.

The air is thick with the scent of hamburgers, hot dogs, and barbequed goodness.  A fresh bottle of beer cracks in the distance.  Open your eyes.  Look around quickly.  You are surrounded by family, friends.  You are surrounded by red, white, and blue.  You smile.  You've got the freedom to eat five of those burgers.  You've got the liberty to get up and dance when they blare patriotic music.  You've got every right to be happy - just remember who fought for your happiness.

Memorial Day is about celebrating the soldiers who have bravely fought for our freedom, liberty, and happiness - the soldiers who lost their lives defending our country.

I write this post in honor of all the soldiers who have sacrificed their lives.     I write this post to honor the families who grieve their loss.  I write this post because I do not understand war, death, and mankind - but I do understand gratitude.  And I am grateful for my soldiers.

I encourage my readers to write a comment (in the comments section) and thank a soldier that you know or remember - a lost soldier or a soldier still fighting.  I encourage my readers to take a big bite out of that cheesy burger (or veggie burger), but while chowing down, take a moment to remember the soldiers who lost their lives.  I'm starting to realize that grief and loss are nearly impossible to avoid.  Grief and loss are difficult to overcome.  But the best antidote is remembrance.  If we remember the lives of the ones we've lost, then they are never really gone.  There are lessons to be learned in every loss we suffer.

A young girl dies from a drug overdose, in bad company and a bad state of mind.  She didn't know how loved she was.  She was a poet, a word smith, a frequent user of sarcasm.  She had a painfully crystalline view of the world that she should have exploited that view as an artist and writer, but instead she clouded her mind with drugs.  Her life will never be forgotten by the people who loved her.  And her death was honored when every member of her family signed a petition to ban OxyCotin.

A young boy, with an unfaltering smile on his face and always a guitar in his hand, dies after a suicide attempt.  The school becomes a morgue, a place that houses his memory, feels his loss, and holds all the love that the young boy didn't know he had.  But his loss will not be forgotten.  His music and the joy it brought will remain.  I will remember the way that young boy smiled and someday, when I have kids, I will teach them to smile.  I will teach them that they are loved and I will tell them to never feel alone... even in the darkest moments.  And when I do this, I will tell them about that young boy and he will be remembered.

A soldier dies in a combat mission, in the heat, sand, and foreign soil of the Middle East.  His life will never be forgotten by the people who loved him.  His sacrifice will never be forgotten by the country that needed him.

That soldiers falls and I have one more reason to appreciate my freedom...

...one more reason to pause and think on Memorial Day.

Pancake Breakfasts and Grief

Is it better to forget about the loss and move away from grief?  Or is it better to acknowledge the loss regularly... to remember...

There are regular memorial breakfasts at my local church in honor of Sam Frost.  They are hosted by Sam's Dad every other Thursday and they are attended by a loyal group - ten or fifteen of Sam's friends and my high school peers.

I walked into the back conference and kitchen area of the prehistoric church.  I was late, but I was there.  I had a groggy, before-school misdemeanor, but the scent of fresh blueberry pancakes danced around the room.  That seemed to awaken the socialite in me.  People were talking at there gray plastic tables.  I noticed the different social groups in the room.  Sam transcended clique boundaries, brought people together with his music. 

Mr. Frost was setting up a projector to play a slideshow of his son, of the videos and images that we've all seen.  It was nice to come together.  Dan Kennedy returned to me, as I mingled with my fellow diners and the yummy sausage that sat at a nearby table.  Dan carried a plate of plain pancakes.  "Why, thank you, Dan Kennedy," I said.  He smiled and then I walked into the kitchen to investigate.  Yes, just as I thought.  The blueberry pancakes.

Sam Frost... Gone, but never forgotten.

And that's when I started thinking.  Is there ever a right time to move on?  Is the pain easier when you don't have to face a computer file of the love you lost?  Is the pain easier when you don't have to feed a room full of Sam's closest friends, cousins, and random high school classmates?  I'm not sure.  I am sure that Mr. Frost is a strong man and a hero in many ways.  Part of me deeply wishes that Sam was alive to see how much he was loved...

So which is it?  Do we take grief head on?  Do we celebrate the life that was? Or do we let grief take it's own course?  Do we let ourselves forget... how do we heal?

Tell me what you think.  Should there be more pancake breakfasts in the world?

Losing Katie

Laura:

     I lost my 24 year old daughter Katie to a drug overdose and bad circumstances... on Thanksgiving Day, 2010.  I remember that day perfectly.  Her father left me a message on my cell phone and was asking if she slept at my house, since her two cousins were in visiting from CT and he could not locate her.  I told him the last I heard from her was through a txt message the night before around 10:30pm.  Her message to me was "ur my mother my best friend and without u id be lost."  It was late and I thought I would just txt her in the morning....little did I know that chance would never come.  

     After her fathers call, I called and txted her for hours but she did not answer.  Then...at about 1:30pm the police came to my house and gave me the news.  

     I was in shock.  Everyone was in shock.  
     
     A beautiful young girl... so full of life... to die over drugs?  The overdose was an accident and her position in the car contributed to her death.  But it still didn't make any sense.  My daughter couldn't be gone.
  

     It has been 6 months now since she passed and I am still not past the grief of losing my daughter.  She was my best friend and I miss her every moment of every day.  She had over 200 people at her wake: family, friends, friends of the family, her father, and her brother Daniel.  If only she really new how much she was truly loved in this world.  She had been trying to get clean and just several months before her death went to a rehab in CT.  Before and after treatment, she spent a lot of time up in Connecticut with her aunt Christine.  We thought she was doing better.
  

 
HELP BAN OXYCOTIN

I plead to anyone using drugs to stop!!! There is help out there if you need it.  

     
Love Katie's Mother,
Laura

Defining Grief

These are some of the definitions I've found on the internet.  

I encourage my viewers to add their own insight and definitions in the comments portion.

Here's what we're dealing with:

GRIEF

–noun

1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

    ...more of this definition @ Dictionary.com

GRIEF

1. A profound mental anguish that one feels when one loses a loved one. Often accompanied with feelings of sorrow, regret, anger, guilt, and feeling very lonely.

2. An annoyance, frustration or difficulty.

"Grief at the absence of a loved one is happiness compared to life with a person one hates."

     Examples given by site:
       1. In his state of grief over losing the love of his life, Hank turned to liquor to ease his sorrows.
       2."I swear, you give me nothing but grief over the way I clean the house!" Lucy said to her mother-in-law.

       ...more of these sarcastic definitions @ UrbanDictionary.com

COMPLICATED GRIEF 

     "Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing and, unfortunately, common experiences people face. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement endure a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger, followed by a gradual fading of these feelings as they accept their loss and move forward. 

     For some people, though, this normal grief reaction becomes much more complicated, painful and debilitating, or what's called complicated grief. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the death and resuming your own life.

Treatment is available to help people with complicated grief come to terms with their loss and reclaim a sense of joy and peace."

... more of this somber definition @  MayoClinic.com

TEENAGE GRIEF
"Each year thousands of teenagers experience the death of someone they love. When a parent, sibling, friend or relative dies, teens feel the overwhelming loss of someone who helped shape their fragile self-identities. And these feelings about the death become a part of their lives forever."

 ...more of this mostly true, but slightly offensive definition at Hospicenet.org